"I'm afraid. Most of the time."

After a bike ride around Sioux Falls yesterday, I can tell you from experience that stretching is important. Exercise is to my muscles what a dryer on ‘high’ is to a 100% cotton shirt (if you don’t do laundry, or haven’t seen a word puzzle like that since the ACT, it means it causes them to shrink). Most of my stretching time is spent trying to restore my hamstrings back from 1/3^rd their regular length. And it hurts. The ‘this-will-eventually-feel-good-but-right-now-it-blows,’ kind of hurt.

Today my heart hurts worse than my hamstrings (which is saying something). I am getting stretched. Today is my last day at Paulsen and tomorrow is my first day at my new job at Embrace. I also move this weekend into a new place and will be bringing my dog with as well (hip hip hooray!). As welcome and exciting as this new change is, I can only sigh knowing all the new things I have to learn. New schedule, new coworkers, new responsibilities, new expectations. It feels like I just wrapped my head around all of things at my current position. I have established my favorite spots to spend lazy days at my current place. Sometimes it just feels good to know what you’re doing. To be comfortable.

If there is one thing I’ve learned in the past two years, it’s that God’s first priority is never my comfort. That’s not to say I haven’t experienced comfort in the past 24 months—His peace has been ever present—but my life has been in constant upheaval. If we grow in those situations, I must have some serious spiritual stretch marks. Worse than my mom’s. And she had 7 kids.

**Mom, if you read this, I love you and your stretch marks. And I apologize for my participation in their existence. :) Please forgive me?

"I doubted things were going to work out."

I cannot comprehend God’s goodness. Sometimes I get so absolutely overwhelmed by it that breathing takes effort. Last week was one of those times.

That said—last Monday was rough. I had been sitting in the throes of a job opportunity for about two months. Not your average ‘run-of-the-mill’ job but, like, an ‘if-i-could-do-anything-right-now-i-would-do-this’, kind of job. That kind makes me nervous to apply for because, if I don’t get it, it will feel like telling a boy I love him and having him stare blankly back at me in response…

*blink, blink*

As of Monday I was also in housing limbo—a 17-day window of time closing quickly before I needed to have a new place to live. Completely exhausted, I mumbled something about a “housing apocalypse” to my small group Monday night as a prayer request and tried to just pry the burden out of my own clenched, sweaty fists.

At the end of group, a woman approached me. Well, God approached me via this young lady. She had randomly joined us (for the first and probably only time) for small group and had an idea for me in light of my prayer request. The next afternoon, after talking with her husband, she called to ask me if I would like to live in her fully furnished condo, with my dog, without a formal lease, for a beautiful price. Her husband was also concerned they let me know right away so I didn’t worry, and also concerned that rent should not “strap me for cash.”

…I cannot make this stuff up.

Two hours later, if my heart wasn’t already in danger of bursting, I got a call offering my dream job.

*He said, “I love you” back! *

….

The position is full-time Small Groups Coordinator at Embrace Church here in Sioux Falls. I will be entrusted with growing group attendance, adding structure and organization to the process of new/existing groups, amassing curriculum and resources, and eventually implementing leadership training for members of the church. I thought 2 years ago, fresh out of college, that I deserved my dream job. Now I sit and tremble at the thought that God allows me to represent His Kingdom at all. It makes me shake. And cry.

My last week followed these stages:

1) Dance around in joy and excitement

2) Wake up at 3 AM bursting with ideas and usually some tears

3) Realize I cannot possibly, ever, do this on my own

4) Fall on my face telling God I can’t do this by myself

5) Feel His presence and promise to go before and ahead of me, and allow Him to help me get back on my feet

6) Fall on my face again in gratitude that He picked me up in the first place

     Return to 1) and REPEAT

Metaphorically speaking, that is.

I bruise like fruit.