Wow! I haven’t had to write 2011 on anything yet! The "new year" feels weird, and yet very, very appropriate.
I sit here this morning curled up on the floor with Kristin’s beloved laptop on my lap listening to the sound of winter rain on the rooftop. My friend Kristin left me on the 1st, and now that she is back, I can assuredly say I missed her much more than her computer (but I sure missed the Internet)! That said, I apologize to anyone for not returning emails, but last night when I logged onto Hotmail I had 47 emails in my Inbox. Really that means I won’t be answering my emails. Sorry.
Last Thursday night, Kristin, Jayne, Garryl & I spent our last night debriefing together in the Dominican Republic. On Friday we woke up relatively early to eat breakfast together, pack up their things, and take off in a van with Pelile, our driver, to the airport. Our conversation on the way was certainly anointed by God, and we all said our goodbyes with a clearer picture of God’s vision for us as individuals for the future. We all truly feel that Jayne and Garryl were being sent back to the US as missionaries to their own communities and Kristin and I were able to see a more tangible future for ministry here in the DR. In all honesty, I can’t believe how much I grew to love that couple in one, short week. I have started to experience what it feels like to “fall in love in the Spirit” and I can truly say that I love them. The good I want for them is almost indescribable and gives me a glimpse of the good our Heavenly Father must have in mind for us. I think that when I return to the US, I will be spending a few weeks with Jayne and Garryl in Minnesota as I finish Restoration videos and talk with Kristin about what we’re going to do next! J
As we got back from the airport, Kristin and I didn’t have a lot of time before we left for the church service being held at CC Shalom for New Year’s Eve. The service lasted from 8:00pm-12midnight and we brought in the New Year with singing, a message, and a GIGANTIC group hug (or “hug group” as Carlos mistakenly called it at first…haha)! At midnight everyone broke the group hug and began running around to hug everyone. As I was hugged by nearly everyone in the church, I couldn’t help but feel like I was home. Like these people are my family, and I’m perhaps just the Fed-ex man’s kid. Even the people here who don’t normally talk to me get sad looks on their faces when I tell them that I am leaving on the 20th. I knew someone would miss me here when I’m gone!
On the 1st, Kristin left for Boca Chica with Sandee and Chappy (who came to visit for the New Year’s Eve service and spent the night at Carlos’ place). We all had a great all-morning conversation out in the Tiki Hut—which was great because once the team left we haven’t had a lot of opportunities to just sit and fellowship out there and I miss it. I gave Kristin a hug goodbye on Saturday, fully expecting to see her on Monday morning to work at SCORE with the translators, but it turned out that God had other plans for me...
On Sunday morning, I really felt like God was telling me that I needed to just shut myself up in my room for a couple of days; that He needed all of my attention because I get distracted so easily. As I explained to a semi-concerned and confused Pastor Carlos that I was going to lock myself in my bedroom until Wednesday and not work with SCORE that week, I began wondering what in the world God was going to show me on top of what He’s already been saying to me here. Last week’s letter alluded to things that God is changing in my heart—and I will just briefly list some of the things He’s been telling me: this is a time of rebuilding for me, a time of restoration (like if God’s going to use me to help people, He has to build me up on a solid foundation first), practicing long-suffering and patience, He’s only giving me little bites at a time but this is certainly not the end of my time in the DR, and if He showed me what He really has planned for me (not only am I not ready yet, but) I would run away because it would be too much to handle. As I begin to practice taking thoughts captive, my dreams—kind of unpleasant ones—are intensifying and I am being woken up in the middle of the night to be attacked while I am still groggy and not thinking clearly. Damn that devil. I also am not sure that if I’m going to be able to come back to the US and wear makeup or jewelry or (let’s be honest) half of the clothes in my closet. These last 3 days in particular I learned about temptation, secret sin, unforgiveness, and the danger of trying to be my own savior by following the rules TOO well. Obviously I had nothing to learn, right? Wowza. Still I feel as if something in my heart is “bottle-necking” the plans and love God has for me. Something has started to break open this morning, but I don’t have my mind wrapped enough around it to explain yet. Maybe next week!
As I’ve reflected on my updates leading up to this week, I realize that the longer I’m here the more internal God’s work is becoming in me. Also, the more boring externally these newsletters must be getting for all of you. Sorry! As far as actual ACTION is concerned, I am convinced that I am the very worst missionary. I am sorry. Janell, all of your pictures still sit in my drawer. Laura, I still have your son’s picture in my binder and it has not moved (nor has the container from customs). After my “better ask for forgiveness than permission” solo-run a few weeks ago, I am more confined than Jacobina in this compound. Sometimes I stumble into Teresa’s kitchen asking her if I can help her with something, and she always says, “No, I do…” and shoos me away politely. Maybe I should be more honest and starting yelling, “Teresa, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME GO SIT IN THAT BUNKBED BY MYSELF ANYMORE!” I have been studying Spanish a lot lately…as a matter of fact, this week I watched the Lion King, Freedom Writers, and CSI in Spanish ;)
It seems that 2 months in Hator Mayor is just long enough to wear out your welcome before making friends with people who stop by just to visit you. No one tells you about the in-between missionary. You know, after you’ve been welcomed and waited on and the honeymoon is over, and everyone goes back to their own families and jobs and lives and you’re left with just enough time to realize that you don’t have any of those things here. It doesn’t really feel like an adventure—more like house arrest with really bad TV. That said, I truly love Carlos and Natasha and Teresa, and I love being here. I love them. I just don’t love that they have a life here that—no matter how hard I try—I can’t seem to weasel my way into full-time.
Please continue praying for me! As my time here draws quickly to a close, I have a lot of thoughts going around in my head and it’s easy to start worrying about the future. In particular, I’m thinking about going to MN and finishing the Restoration DVDS while staying with Jayne and Garryl, refinancing my school loans, raising support, considering language school, and picking up odd jobs to get some money in the meantime. I don’t know how people who don’t know God do it! I know Him and have experienced His providence, and some days I still just want to stick my head in the sand.
What’s next?
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