[UGLY] & BELOVED

I remember the first time.

I can’t recall what I was wearing but my flip-flops were a muddled blue in the weak, yellow light of the 4^th floor girls’ dorm bathroom—my feet firmly planted around the toilet seat of the corner stall. Sick from eating too much food, terrified of what it would do to my body, and exhausted from years of starving myself and over exercising, I reasoned it would be easier to just throw up. I did. That was the first time. It provided twisted relief and I thought I had discovered the solution to all my body problems.

I was eighteen and a college freshman. Now 25, I sit here a grown woman, still untangling myself from the consequences of a path I ignorantly started on seven years ago. It is a path of destruction and shame and lies and condemnation. Through my faith and belief in Jesus Christ, I can humbly say after years of growth I can now walk in victory most of the time. Still, I walked that destructive path so many times that even now I sometimes fall into the ruts, worn so deep, after years of habit.

Friday night was one of those nights. It started innocently with pizza and birthday cake, but in a momentary stumble in judgment, I found myself stuffed and headed into the bathroom.  I had done this, quite literally, over 1,000 times in seven years. It is mindless for me. But Friday was different.

In the midst of my self-inflicted misery, full of shame and food, I became aware of Christ’s immediate presence. I saw no vision, but he was there. I cringed inside as I prayed, “Jesus, I don’t want you to see me like this. I am sorry. I know I should be better. Just go away from me until I have cleaned up my mess.”

He didn’t leave. To my confusion I didn’t sense disgust from Him. He stayed and put his hand on my back to comfort me while I finished making myself sick. He didn’t shy away from my ugliness. He didn’t condemn me for my sin. I sensed him saying, “I love you. I always love you but I think you need to hear it right now, in this moment. I love you. Not after you have cleaned up. Not after you make up your mind to never do this again. But now—as you are—I love you.”

The weight of his words nearly stops my heart even now. I have been motivated to stop my sin by a great number of things—but none so much as the grace-filled love of Jesus.

But I am no exception. That is the heart of the Gospel:

“⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8.

And though I know that truth on an intellectual level, to experience His love and acceptance in my ugliest moment takes my breath away. Leaves me on my face. Makes it worth sharing my shame with you so I can share His mercy also.

I pray this week that God pins you down with His love. In the middle of your ugliest moment I hope he floors you with His grace.

Like Simon Peter we will fall to our knees and beg him, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” (Luke 5:8) but that is not His way. He stays and loves and beckons us into an acceptance that trumps the allure of sin every time if we let Him. Let Him!