"I need to recap."

If you have stumbled across this post, I both apologize and thank you for not losing complete faith in my blogging ability. Sometimes life gets ahead of me and though beautiful things are happening in my life, I have [as of late] been too busy experiencing them to write them down. Truthfully I am kicking myself for not sharing things while they were unfolding because as I tell the story now all at once it will undoubtably lose some of its prophetic effect. I, however, maintain full confidence that the LORD will be glorified through sharing my story...however belated.

At the beginning of November I fully resigned from my job pursuit. After the 17th rejection [lastly from the grocery store] I decided to take God at what I felt like was His Word to me. I felt back in September that He was telling me to wait until my trip to the Dominican Republic [Nov23-Dec1] and that my life was going to be relatively uneventful until then. Still, I took "relatively uneventful" to include a job of sorts so I spent a lot of hte last 3 months in a futile job hung and hosted daily pity parties as they all rejected me. As the days leading up to my team's departure dwindled, I found myself in womewhat of a panic thinking, "What if I told all those people that God wanted me to wait for this trip...and then I go and nothing happens?" I tried my best to hide my unbelief and left the Sioux Falls airport in eager expectation.

When I arrived in the Dominican our team was greeted by Pastor Carlos and a woman from MN named Kristin Wolford who has been living in the DR since August. She and I became fast friends and after a few days I found myself wondering if I could stay behind with her until mid-January. With no agenda in mind [but plenty of fear and doubt] I began to walk through that door of opportunity, fully trusting that God would shut it if this were not His will for me. As I began asking permission from the leaders and figuring out logistics, I found myself at a crossroads. I felt no black and white answer from the LORD like I wanted. There wasn't an obvious "right" choice to stay or go. I had an equally strong argument for either decision. I got angry with God for not meeting me in the middle--frustrated that I had spent the past months surrendering my ambitions for a "maybe." Avery wise teammate of mine, my mother, spoke to me in my frustration and explained that though God hadn't given me "maybe's" in the past, perhaps He was doing so now.

Finally, on our 2nd to last night in the DR [after a few pep talks from Kristin and my mom] I stepped out in faith. My largest worries were financial, but I thought I had JUST enough money to get me through January 20th. God acted rapidly on my behalf--confirming my decision and showing me His lavish abundance. Within an hour of announcing my decision to stay behind, God had provided the money to pay for my plane ticket, my housing in Hato Mayor, and my first two months of school loans along with all the clothing and toiletries I would need for 2 months. Though the finances physically came out of the hands of my teammates, it was the LORD who provided for my every need.

And so it has been 3 glorious days since my team went home without me! I [for the first time in a while] am praising for my lack of work or obligations because that made it possible for me to stay! He did indeed have a plan...and He will continue to work it through to completion. I have notebook pages full of what God has already been speaking to me. This is truly the greatest adventure I have ever undertaken and my faith is growing in leaps and bounds. What a Mighty God we serve! I promise to report what I see Him doing here in the Dominican Republic...on a regular basis ;) Dios les bendiga a todos!

"I'm not who I used to be."

Sometimes you just can’t go back to life like you knew it…not when God is constantly moving you to somewhere different. This last weekend I got the chance to go back and choreograph/teach for a show choir my old high school teacher now directs—well, now she’s my friend J [some parts of growing up are fun]. I had a great time and unfortunately pulled muscles in my neck that I didn’t know existed. For someone with 2 inches of hair, I was workin’ it. apparently.

Mostly I loved my time spent in MN because I got to spend time with two people I love [and eat some incredible food]. The job was a much-appreciated job even though my body has been protesting since Sunday morning. Thing is, the show choir part was just details. My life used to revolve around competition shows, dances, front-row positions, competition drama, and all the trappings of pride that came with it. This weekend showed me that I am tragically past that. They sing? They dance? Cool. But it doesn’t matter in life. Those kids [and I] could have chosen to play basketball, kick soccer balls, or speak in debate. I hope they all have fun; and, that they are able to walk away each spring happy with what they accomplished but otherwise unaffected. I spent too much time as a stereotypical “Gleek”. Thank God I got over myself.

"I make stuff up to write about."

OH have I been waiting for some blog fodder like the happenings of the last few days. Please know that nothing of great interest has been going on in the past few weeks…but I have some things worth telling about, I suppose.

1.) I am a horrible mother! Let me explain. Yesterday morning I woke up, placed two sweet and unassuming dogs [my Mimu and my mom’s dog Ruby] in a portable kennel, and took them to get their baby-makers removed. I got to the vet’s office at 8:00 am and it looked nothing like any office I had ever seen. Between the dingy paint, small hand-written signs, obvious animal scratches on the doors, and the pajama-clad “secretary”, I was afraid that I had mistakenly made an appointment at the set of Saw 8 [or whatever sequel they’re on now]. The vet looked like a lumberjack. Still, I had to trust that he was a doctor despite his fashion sense, and I put my judgmental eyes away.

I picked them up that afternoon and it killed me to see their little shaved bellies and stitches. For a reason still unknown to me, their incision was covered in what appears to be silver spray paint. YES, my tiny innocent little girl was returned to me with sparkly nipples! A harlot. And though she still followed me around here at home all morning, I am sure I can see the wariness in her eyes. I have lost her trust and it’s breaking my heart.

2.) I had a job interview today! At Shopko. Which abruptly ended when I told them I am going on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic November 23^rd-Dec 1^st as they said, “That doesn’t work for us.” They expressed their disappointment and encouraged me to re-apply in 3 months. Yes, perhaps if I am still unemployed in 3 months, I can manage to drag myself out of my depression coma and bring myself to apply to Shopko [dream big!]…again.

3.) I had another job interview today! At Coborn’s grocery this time. First I had to complete a simple math test. I have not done mental multiplication, addition, and subtraction since middle school. I am wondering—what are the chances that all the registers and calculators in the store die at the same time?! Regardless, I got 100%. Woot. THEN I had to complete a screening survey of 171 true/false statements. The instructions read: PLEASE ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS HONESTLY, NOT AS YOU THINK WE WANT YOU TO ANSWER THEM. Well, over 100 statements of the survey revolved around stealing and reporting stealing at work. Things like, “I have stolen something (including childhood) at least once.” While those were kind of disturbing and an obvious trend, it were statements like, “I occasionally use cocaine with friends” that made me most uneasy. Other favorites were: “It is acceptable to hit a coworker if they hit me first”, “It is okay to steal from work if I know I won’t get caught”, “I am still reading each question thoroughly”, and “I think this survey is a waste of time.” At the end of the survey I had to honestly answer NO to “I definitely want to work here.”  I’m sure I will have to explain my answer but this left me seriously wondering if I was applying to work at a prison or a grocery store.

[also: it is now between I and one other person for the position at the gym. who knew there was so much competition in Mitchell to wash sweaty towels! here’s to hoping.]

"He is the vine and I am the branch."

1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8 This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” --John 15

In my time of respite, God has been teaching me so much. The revelations I have been given in the past 2 months revealed to me that any work I would have pursued at the end of August would have been for my glory, in my own power, and as valuable as FILTHY RAGS to God. Even work in ‘His Name.’ I would have had the best intentions, but He would not have been the center of my life. I and my efforts would have been.

I just read a devotion from My Utmost for His Highest and a line caught my eye, “…But if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted and grounded in Him, which may appear to be impractical, then you will remain true to Him whatever happens.” I AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SOAK IN THE GLORY OF GOD WITH SUCH LITTLE DISTRACTION. I am learning that God’s Holy Spirit {which is equal in power and capacity with God and Jesus—that was a newsflash to me—who thought the Spirit was more like God’s bell boy…oh LORD have I been confused} causes us to act and will according to His own purpose. HE roots out sin in me. HE calls me to obey. HE has given me the fullness of God that dwelt in CHRIST JESUS! I have all the fruits of the Spirit available to me if I would only have faith that the Holy Spirit will show itself in me.

There is nothing I can do or be for God. My whole life has been about doing and being: doing work, being good enough. Not realizing my identity and standing with God had drastically changed the MOMENT I accepted Christ. 

I could go on and on. I really had no idea about this stuff. I have spent my whole life {Christian and non-} trying to earn my salvation, condemning myself, manually generating "holiness", waiting to someday “arrive” a saint, and walking in my own power when I had the Spirit of GOD available and dwelling inside me.  Like, INSIDE ME. Inside you too, if you’ve accepted Christ as your Savior. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it…but I am singin’ praise while I do! I mean, I was a MISSIONARY for 3 months...for my own glory?! 

"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."   Isaiah 6:5

"Humble pie tastes like crap."

There is something profoundly humbling about house cleaning. As a “Happy Friday” present to my {now full-time working} mom, I cleaned the house yesterday. Vacuumed, dusted, swept, did dishes, mopped, scrubbed bathrooms, wiped mirrors, emptied garbages, and washed all the laundry. There is something so degrading about cleaning your family’s toilet. It made me angry, actually. I can’t wait until an opportunity arises when I can use the phrase, “I’m not gonna’ deal with your crap anymore!” on one of my siblings. I have so much respect for my mom and all stay-at-home mothers. I am so sorry that you all don’t get the acknowledgement you deserve for the thankless work you do.

It is also humbling to spend consecutive Friday and Saturday nights at home in my living room while my teenage siblings all go out on fun sleepovers and dates. Holy COW I need a friend in this town. I have a few prospects—but I find myself apprehensive when it actually comes down to building friendships. I’m such an introvert.

What else has been happening? I took my grandma to the chiropractor this week. She’s 76, 85 pounds, and when I leave her house after spending time with her I find myself trying to find excuses to use words like “davenport” and “Frigidaire” in casual conversation. I really love her. And she paid me in olive oil for painting her shutters… I realize that sounds really strange, but this olive oil is, like, straight from the hills of Italia. Bueniiiiiisimo!!!

On the job front, I filled in for an emergency shift at the coffee shop today and managed to pay off my cell bill for this month between my tips and hourly wage. Not bad. I’m picking up an application at a local gym and a gas station tomorrow. Here’s to hoping. I am beginning to make plans for the future. I’m debating saving up $7,000 so I can go to the Emmaus School of Biblical Studies in North Carolina next fall…or joining Reviving Nations as an English Teacher in a foreign country for a year starting in January or this spring. If you’re reading this please pray that God would just dramatically open or shut doors for me because I am a proven idiot when it comes to discernment. Thank ya. 

"I steal words from Oswald Chambers sometimes."

 Here are some of Oswald Chambers’ words from his {incredibly profound, a forenamed} daily devotional:

“Isn’t it humiliating to be told that we must come to Jesus! Think of the things about which we will not come to Jesus Christ. If you want to know how real you are, test yourself by these words— “Come to Me . . . ” In every dimension in which you are not real, you will argue or evade the issue altogether rather than come; you will go through sorrow rather than come; and you will do anything rather than come the last lap of the race of seemingly unspeakable foolishness and say, “Just as I am, I come.” As long as you have even the least bit of spiritual disrespect, it will always reveal itself in the fact that you are expecting God to tell you to do something very big, and yet all He is telling you to do is to “Come…”

What?! Sometimes things in my life speak so consistently and are intertwined so deeply that I just have to pretend like it’s not really happening. If I look at the last 2 months of my life in Mitchell, I have felt as though I was waiting for something BIG to happen when in reality I have been being required by my own boredom, exasperation, and powerlessness to move closer to my Lord and Savior Jesus. I love the words of the Bible that talk about how we are to “keep in step with the Spirit.” Thing is, I never realized before that the Spirit [NEVER STOPS MOVING].

Yesterday, I spent the morning in town and on my way home could not get one of my particular neighbors out of my head. Don’t get me wrong, she is my friend and I love her and we’ve shared intimate conversations, but there was no reason to be thinking about her at that particular time. When I got home, I walked over to her house—barefoot-- expecting nothing in particular. As I walked down my driveway I thought to myself, “But God, nothing’s wrong with me today. {many times in the past I have gone to her door when I am broken-hearted or need a pick-me-up}…Hmmm, I guess I’ll just say hi and go home.”

When I reached her front door I walked right in, but she was on the phone so I busied myself with her son for a few minutes. However, as she hung up the phone and gave me a hug, I watched pain and tears surface in her eyes as she asked me with a smile, “Well, what are YOU doing here? I’m having one of those days…”

God is that real. That near. That active. He is so intimate and close that He sent me to my sister in Christ because she needed someone. He SENT me there. 

"I am failing at life. But it's kinda fun."

guitar progress: I’m playing 8-10 of my favorite worship/secular songs and {as a singer} it’s so much fun to be able to accompany myself. I’m kind of giving up hope on any B chords or bar chords in general in the near future. I can’t BELIEVE I’m going to have to play in front of people—leading worship no less—in such a short time! God help me.

jobs fiascos to date: 3. After a stunning 1 week of employment at the coffeeshop, a botched attempt to try an internship at my church that I never asked God about beforehand {Doh!}, and a show choir position I couldn’t bring myself to apply for... I’m still unemployed. In volunteer news, I have primed, painted, and repainted almost all the shutters on my grandma’s house. She has a lot of shutters.Technically yesterday she tried to give me $20 as I left so I may begin using that in my employment status in future blog updates.

 other news: I am becoming more and more convinced that God speaks to us everyday in all of our surroundings. This workweek {another week of being at home with the dogs while everyone else in my family…heck, in my life…is gone at work or school} and I began to feel very guilty and spoiled. I see people all around me who’s life decisions are being made for them by their circumstances. They have to work to pay bills, take any job they can get, and make the most of it. I cannot for the life of me understand why I have the luxury of waiting for God. If my parents had half a brain they would kick their grown, 22-year old, unemployed daughter out of their basement. But by some strange grace, I don’t even think that thought has crossed their minds. Anyways, after Monday’s pity party {which none of you showed up to, by the way…} this is what God has been speaking into my life:

from Our Daily Bread (October 4^th): Keeping busy? People who are trying to be friendly sometimes ask, “Are you keeping busy?” The question seems harmless, but in my mind it carries a subtle message. Beneath the surface is a test of personal value. If I can’t rattle off a list of things I have to do, I feel as if I’m admitting that I’m not worth much. But does God determine our value by how busy we are? Does He calculate our worth by how much we accomplish? Does He reward us for living on the edge of exhaustion and not taking care of ourselves? One of the first verses I learned as a child was Matthew 11:28, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” It didn’t mean much to me at the time because I didn’t understand weariness. But now that I’m older, I feel the temptation to keep pace with the world so I won’t be left behind. But followers of Jesus don’t have to live like that. Not only has He released us from slavery to sin but also from the bondage of having to prove our worth. Accomplishing a lot for God may make us feel important, but what MAKES us important to God is what we allow Him to accomplish in us—conforming us into the image of His Son (Rom. 8:28-30). Our value is not measured by what we do for God but by what He has done in us.

excerpt from today’s When Wallflowers Dance bible study: Life can sometimes be like standing in line. You get all your stuff together. Pack a snack. Choose the appropriate path. Muster up your patience. Square your determination. And wait to be next. A great lesson comes to those who spend the good part of a lifetime waiting on different things. Sometimes you have all your papers and the necessary credentials, you are in exactly the right line at exactly the right time, but you still have to wait. An agonizing wait. An I-wonder-if-I’m-in-the-right-line wait. A much longer wait than you had expected. All the time, you may be in the right place, facing the right direction, but maybe it’s just not your turn yet.

OOOooohK God I hear ya.