This post has been swirling about in my head for a couple of days now. It's something I'm not particularly proud of, but I think it's worth sharing.
On the outside, the Christian's walk can appear very noble. I feel like "fully-surrendered follower of Christ" (let's abbreviate fsfoC) is a pretty popular catchphrase in the church circles lately. To be considered an "fsfoC" you usually have to do something drastic...quit a job, take a new job, go to a 3rd world country, give a boatload of money to an obscure charity, be a long-term volunteer worker, sell all of your possessions, end a relationship, make sure ALL of your Facebook posts and tweets are about Jesus...that kind of thing. And since I've done some of these things [for the sake of this illustration] let's call me a "fsfoC."
The definition of an "fsfoC" implies a great deal of unselfishness. Like once you do one of the above-mentioned things, you're in the club. Congratulations! You've arrived. No one will ever again question whether or not you've really surrendered your life to God. Because--on the outside--you obviously have.
I was kind of living in that place. That complacent "arrived" place where all the other arrived people pat each other on the back for the things they've already done, and occasionally spur one another on to greater and deeper things. But not in a "this-is-what-Christ-called-us-to-do" kind of way, but rather a, "I-guess-you-could-do-that-if-you-want-extra-credit-with-God-but-you-don't-really-need-it" kind of way.
This is going to sound awful...but I'm just going to say it.
There was a part of me that was completely convinced {just last week, actually} that I had nobly surrendered my life to God. I mean, look at it! I've volunteered as a missionary for a summer with no pay, given money when it hurt because I felt God calling me to, I stayed behind in the Dominican on a wing and a prayer, I was patient and prayerful in my job search, I co-lead a group of 8th grade girls at church, have a huge Scripture-based tattoo, am starting an internship at my church, and I reference God in everyday conversation. That is one sparkly Christian walk at first glance.
18 Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall. --Proverbs 16:18
Scripture never lies.
I was talking to my mom the other day about my new job at USBANK. I really feel like I have an opportunity to witness to some women at work; not in a fire-and-brimstone way, but in subtle, day to day, here's-where-I-find-MY-peace, kind of way. As I was telling her about it, my mom said to me,
"Kayla, maybe God has you there for one of those women! To help them find the Lord. Wow, look at what He's doing." *beaming smile*
"Yeah, maybe." I answered. *straight face* That's what I said out loud, anyway. I was really thinking:
God PLEASE don't let that be the only reason you have me there.
Yep. I really thought that. See, in my heart-of-hearts I was really hoping that God had me at this job to eventually meet someone important--like a future employer for my dream job {what does that mean? I don't even know}. Or a husband. Yeeeeeah, a husband. Or at least a financial miracle that would allow me to pay off my student loans in record time and let me go out on the mission field and REALLY work for Him.
And right in that moment God met me in that secret, ugly, selfish place and challenged me. I felt {and still feel} Him asking me,
"Kayla, if the only reason I put you on this Earth is to lead one woman to Christ, would it be a waste? Would you be a waste? Is it possible that the work I have for you in the world doesn't include a 3rd world country? That, in my perfect timing and plan, I know you can do more work for me in Mitchell, SD than on an adventure in a 3rd world country? And, if my plan for you doesn't include the things you thought it would...are you still going to follow Me?"
On the outside, I have surrendered my life to God. A certifiable "fsfoC." But on the inside I still have an agenda. An "if-I, then-You" list of what is worth my time in Kingdom work. God doesn't have room for that kind of agenda in His plan.
I know that my answer will eventually be: "Yes, I will still follow You." No worries there.
Still...dying to self. On the inside where no person can see. It's a tricky thing. I'm just trying to convince that secret, ugly, selfish place that it's going to be better this way.
His way.
On the outside, the Christian's walk can appear very noble. I feel like "fully-surrendered follower of Christ" (let's abbreviate fsfoC) is a pretty popular catchphrase in the church circles lately. To be considered an "fsfoC" you usually have to do something drastic...quit a job, take a new job, go to a 3rd world country, give a boatload of money to an obscure charity, be a long-term volunteer worker, sell all of your possessions, end a relationship, make sure ALL of your Facebook posts and tweets are about Jesus...that kind of thing. And since I've done some of these things [for the sake of this illustration] let's call me a "fsfoC."
The definition of an "fsfoC" implies a great deal of unselfishness. Like once you do one of the above-mentioned things, you're in the club. Congratulations! You've arrived. No one will ever again question whether or not you've really surrendered your life to God. Because--on the outside--you obviously have.
I was kind of living in that place. That complacent "arrived" place where all the other arrived people pat each other on the back for the things they've already done, and occasionally spur one another on to greater and deeper things. But not in a "this-is-what-Christ-called-us-to-do" kind of way, but rather a, "I-guess-you-could-do-that-if-you-want-extra-credit-with-God-but-you-don't-really-need-it" kind of way.
This is going to sound awful...but I'm just going to say it.
There was a part of me that was completely convinced {just last week, actually} that I had nobly surrendered my life to God. I mean, look at it! I've volunteered as a missionary for a summer with no pay, given money when it hurt because I felt God calling me to, I stayed behind in the Dominican on a wing and a prayer, I was patient and prayerful in my job search, I co-lead a group of 8th grade girls at church, have a huge Scripture-based tattoo, am starting an internship at my church, and I reference God in everyday conversation. That is one sparkly Christian walk at first glance.
18 Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall. --Proverbs 16:18
Scripture never lies.
I was talking to my mom the other day about my new job at USBANK. I really feel like I have an opportunity to witness to some women at work; not in a fire-and-brimstone way, but in subtle, day to day, here's-where-I-find-MY-peace, kind of way. As I was telling her about it, my mom said to me,
"Kayla, maybe God has you there for one of those women! To help them find the Lord. Wow, look at what He's doing." *beaming smile*
"Yeah, maybe." I answered. *straight face* That's what I said out loud, anyway. I was really thinking:
God PLEASE don't let that be the only reason you have me there.
Yep. I really thought that. See, in my heart-of-hearts I was really hoping that God had me at this job to eventually meet someone important--like a future employer for my dream job {what does that mean? I don't even know}. Or a husband. Yeeeeeah, a husband. Or at least a financial miracle that would allow me to pay off my student loans in record time and let me go out on the mission field and REALLY work for Him.
And right in that moment God met me in that secret, ugly, selfish place and challenged me. I felt {and still feel} Him asking me,
"Kayla, if the only reason I put you on this Earth is to lead one woman to Christ, would it be a waste? Would you be a waste? Is it possible that the work I have for you in the world doesn't include a 3rd world country? That, in my perfect timing and plan, I know you can do more work for me in Mitchell, SD than on an adventure in a 3rd world country? And, if my plan for you doesn't include the things you thought it would...are you still going to follow Me?"
On the outside, I have surrendered my life to God. A certifiable "fsfoC." But on the inside I still have an agenda. An "if-I, then-You" list of what is worth my time in Kingdom work. God doesn't have room for that kind of agenda in His plan.
I know that my answer will eventually be: "Yes, I will still follow You." No worries there.
Still...dying to self. On the inside where no person can see. It's a tricky thing. I'm just trying to convince that secret, ugly, selfish place that it's going to be better this way.
His way.
