Today is Sunday. I just [LOVE] sundays, don't you? Today is a particularly gloomy one, but I love it the same. I have traded my church clothes for fleece sweats and am curled up in my living room with my pup this afternoon.
A lot of time has passed since my last blog post. A lot of life. Even more life lessons. The title of this post is really a good summary of the past 3 months. I feel God's peace, but I'm not exactly happy. I'm wrestling with discontentment. Six months ago I would have told you that it wasn't possible to experience peace while feeling discontent. To be JOYFUL yet unhappy. A life with God's is crazy confusing like that, sometimes.
I am coming to terms with the reality that I am not, nor will I be, returning to the Dominican Republic anytime soon [as far as human plans go]. I am not happy about that. I would be lying if I said I found Mitchell, SD more enthralling than the foreign sights and sounds of Hispaniola. But do I feel peace about being back at home right now? ...........fine! yes. dang it. *hmph*
FEELING PEACE.
Then there's the actual, living-AT-home thing. In a town that all of my friends left years ago. In a house with 5 younger siblings. In a financial situation [until recently] that literally doesn't afford me to live anywhere else. Living out days that are eerily similar to my first 18 years of life BEFORE college. Feeling like I must've failed or be broken to be living at home again at 23.
AND DISCONTENT.
But I love my family and I am getting to really know my siblings. Life is very materially easy at home. I have the opportunity to pour each paycheck into my student loans. There's always something going on. I have a wonderful church family and small group that keeps me spiritually fed. I lead a youth group of 8th grade girls. Life is comfortable. In my times of struggle I grow closer to God than I would have had life just "worked out" for me after graduation.
AND PEACE.
I started a job at US Bank about 3 weeks ago tomorrow. After a random phone call/tip from a friend's dad {how did he know my short-term job was ending?}, 44 other applicants, and an interview, I was hired as a teller at the Mitchell branch. Am I using my social work, Spanish, or missions background? Not directly. Do I feel it's what I was made to do? haha. BUT do the events leading up to my eventual employment make ANY logical sense? heck-to-the-no. So my eyes and ears are open to whatever God has for me where I'm at right now. It is an amazing blessing to be pouring extra money into my loans each paycheck. I am excited to see where life takes me because of this job.
FEELING JOYFUL.
And when I lose that wonderful perspective {a bi-weekly occurrence} I am defeated by thoughts like, "How did this happen? Is this really my life?"
BUT UNHAPPY.
Yet I know that my God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. To give me a hope and a future. So I am calling to Him and praying, and I will seek Him and find Him because I am seeking Him with all my heart. And I KNOW He can do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine! So what's He going to do with this new job?
BUT JOYFUL.
You see?
[PEACE.DISCONTENT.JOY.UNHAPPINESS.]
Life with God is just crazy confusing like that sometimes.
A lot of time has passed since my last blog post. A lot of life. Even more life lessons. The title of this post is really a good summary of the past 3 months. I feel God's peace, but I'm not exactly happy. I'm wrestling with discontentment. Six months ago I would have told you that it wasn't possible to experience peace while feeling discontent. To be JOYFUL yet unhappy. A life with God's is crazy confusing like that, sometimes.
I am coming to terms with the reality that I am not, nor will I be, returning to the Dominican Republic anytime soon [as far as human plans go]. I am not happy about that. I would be lying if I said I found Mitchell, SD more enthralling than the foreign sights and sounds of Hispaniola. But do I feel peace about being back at home right now? ...........fine! yes. dang it. *hmph*
FEELING PEACE.
Then there's the actual, living-AT-home thing. In a town that all of my friends left years ago. In a house with 5 younger siblings. In a financial situation [until recently] that literally doesn't afford me to live anywhere else. Living out days that are eerily similar to my first 18 years of life BEFORE college. Feeling like I must've failed or be broken to be living at home again at 23.
AND DISCONTENT.
But I love my family and I am getting to really know my siblings. Life is very materially easy at home. I have the opportunity to pour each paycheck into my student loans. There's always something going on. I have a wonderful church family and small group that keeps me spiritually fed. I lead a youth group of 8th grade girls. Life is comfortable. In my times of struggle I grow closer to God than I would have had life just "worked out" for me after graduation.
AND PEACE.
I started a job at US Bank about 3 weeks ago tomorrow. After a random phone call/tip from a friend's dad {how did he know my short-term job was ending?}, 44 other applicants, and an interview, I was hired as a teller at the Mitchell branch. Am I using my social work, Spanish, or missions background? Not directly. Do I feel it's what I was made to do? haha. BUT do the events leading up to my eventual employment make ANY logical sense? heck-to-the-no. So my eyes and ears are open to whatever God has for me where I'm at right now. It is an amazing blessing to be pouring extra money into my loans each paycheck. I am excited to see where life takes me because of this job.
FEELING JOYFUL.
And when I lose that wonderful perspective {a bi-weekly occurrence} I am defeated by thoughts like, "How did this happen? Is this really my life?"
BUT UNHAPPY.
Yet I know that my God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. To give me a hope and a future. So I am calling to Him and praying, and I will seek Him and find Him because I am seeking Him with all my heart. And I KNOW He can do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine! So what's He going to do with this new job?
BUT JOYFUL.
You see?
[PEACE.DISCONTENT.JOY.UNHAPPINESS.]
Life with God is just crazy confusing like that sometimes.
I love your writing. When I read it I hear your voice. Reminds me of good times. Your personality shines through. Glad that you are at peace with were you are, and always be listening to what God is trying to tell you. (I should take my own advice)
ReplyDelete