"I am a beggar."

I had lunch with a friend earlier this week. She’s a Godsend type of friend…wise and unassuming and quirky and perpetually comforting…the kind you literally thank God for every day. The conversation eventually transitioned from weekend plans to wedding dates and soon found ourselves chuckling at the awkwardness of mixed signals and shaky expectations.

At the end of our chat, I couldn’t help but think that no relationship should ever leave me feeling lacking or disappointed. Of course I don’t live this out. I do in little glimpses—just long enough to show me there’s something missing most of the time. But IDEALLY…I should be whole and content all the time. Right?

I picture myself on a corner begging for change, most days—looking for someone to fill up my ‘love cup.’ Looking in all the wrong places. Collecting the wrong kind of currency. I am such a beggar.

If you ever read Scripture you are aware of the vast number of promises God gives us in Christ. He is our Salvation, our Rock, Redeemer, Refuge and Healer.

When I focus on the promises of God, I am never left lacking or disappointed. With a foundation that secure, all I feel is freedom.

Freedom.

Freedom to care for others, to love, to show up to the party where you know no one, to be yourself, to share your feelings, to be vunerable, to ask hard questions, to forgive others when they fall short. To feel peace and contentment when your friend forgets your birthday, when your dad’s temper is short, when those feelings aren’t returned, or when you get passed over for that job or promotion.

It doesn’t happen instantly. It’s not a result of knowledge. It’s not just positive self-talk. It’s intentionally fighting for faith in the promises of God. Believing that He alone will satisfy my soul.

And when I’m already fully satisfied, everything extra is bonus. Bonus bonus bonus. Bonus joy. Bonus acceptance. Bonus love. 

Love from other people is a beautiful gift when I don’t need it. I can't help but think that's how we're meant to live.