Can I get a [WITNESS]?

If a tree fell in the woods and no one saw, did it really happen?

I’ve been chasing the tail of a feeling, an idea, a desire since I moved from my parents’ house and into my minimally furnished solo life. Solitude can be good for the heart and teasing abstract thoughts into writing. There has been no shortage of solitude the past few weeks. It’s this creeping uneasy feeling; most days I forget it’s there and rarely it wells up into full-blown unhappiness.

I figured I just needed to boost my social life. Yet weeks of reunions, lunch dates, and meeting new coworkers at work don’t seem to ease the tension.

I thought perhaps once I had more material things (i.e. anything more than a bed and silverware) it would go away but today I sit in a newly inherited chair, staring at 2/3 of an inherited knife block again realizing “things” aren’t the fix.

At this point, my usually restrained girl brain spirals into the only possible explanation—you know, where a boyfriend would fix things—because it’s so much easier to blame my problems on an imaginary person rather than the finicky heart beating in my own chest. (**Proceeds to post snarky comment about singleness on Facebook to give outlet to current frustration. Everyone likes it. Feels better**)

“God, can I get a witness?”

Finally I just blurt it out like I’ve secretly known my issue the whole time. (It sounds more like a whiny girl and less like an African-American, evangelical preacher).

And there it is: a witness.

Because even at the end of a day I have thoroughly enjoyed—unless I post more pictures/statuses/blogs/selfies than I am personally comfortable with in a day (read: 1)—no one else saw my day beginning to end. No one laughed with me while I choked on my toast while watching New Girl in a last-minute rush before work, or saw me get a PR on my three-miler, or heard me mess up the radio lyrics during my commute that blended ‘glory’ and ‘holy’ into an unfortunate mix of ‘hoary’.

And so there’s this trap in thinking that my life isn’t really happening if someone else isn’t there to verify the whole thing. And the trap gets deeper when I tell myself that I my problem would be solved with a spouse or kids or a roommate like everyone else.

God says, “I AM,” and suddenly He opens my eyes to see my heart’s tendency to put hope in creation rather than Creator. 

I’m filled with the Holy Spirit. I’m fully known by God. Christ is my Shepherd. 

Of course I have a witness.

…I just need the occasional reminder.