I never imagined I would have such fodder for my blog {so quickly}. Already God is showing me exactly how necessary it is for me reprioritize and simplify. I am reaping the consequences of 22 years of self-centeredness. When God told me to love others—my family being first and foremost—I guess I figured everyone would be standing around with open arms, waiting for my affection and care. Never realized that the ones I ignored for so long stopped waiting for me a long time ago. {humbling}. It’s like someone handing back your unopened gift and telling you, “I don’t want this. You keep it.” It makes me angry, frustrated, indignant, defiant, and hurt all at the same time. It makes me want to write them off—to forget about them, and deny that their actions affect me. {but they do}. It sure doesn’t make me want to love them more.
Did I seriously mistake lending my sister my jewelry with having a relationship with her? What do my brothers dream of doing with their lives? What about my dad—what was the last real thing we ever shared? I guess I know enough about my family members to get through certain outings. You know, the kind where company comes over and the family all sits together and says things like, “Remember the one time that [insert touching memory here]…” and everyone laughs hysterically or smiles fondly, and the guests are foolishly impressed. Except after the guests leave, no one ever dares to admit that it only WAS that ONE time. Instead, we kid ourselves into thinking that that one happy day singlehandedly made up for 1,000 shitty ones. {And we skate along in life, mistaking the proximity of our bedrooms for personal relationship with one another}.
How did this happen? Will I even be able to fix it? Maybe nobody can relate with me. I really hope nobody does {because this hurts too much}. I have a feeling I would rather eat MUD than the humble pie that is lying upon the starting line of this new relational journey I’m embarking on.
Oh why did I ever think simplifying was going to be simple?
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