week.[TRES].

Week 3 is gone now too.

As much as I miss you all, I’m beginning to get kind of alarmed by how fast my time here is slipping through my fingers. It’s officially December 23^rd I woke up this morning because I was chilly. Didn’t know that was possible here, but it happened!

This letter may seem a little premature, but I actually posted my entry late. Kristin and I ran out of Internet service last Wednesday and didn’t get to the service store in San Pedro until Monday of this week. That was an experience in itself…the store is located inside a mall and I experienced major culture shock within its walls. For the first time in nearly a month, I was suddenly aware that I wasn’t wearing pants, earrings, mascara, or toe nail polish. I think I felt like the Amish people must feel when they go to Wal-Mart back at home. I both envied and pitied the people I saw there that day. I much prefer it where I live in Hato Mayor. I didn’t like how I felt that day. But we now officially have Internet until January 20^th so it was a successful and needed trip!

Last week’s update left you with my return to the church in Joolonga…we did indeed go back to their church/lawn last Thursday night with most of Carlos’ church’s congregation, and brought with us a generator, lighting, and a sound system. Do you know what happened? The prayers of the people got longer and louder. There wasn’t as much singing and dancing. Everyone tried to crowd under the light. Some speakers got very fond of hearing their own voices, and they spoke much longer than they needed to. I felt like the entire service I felt God saying to me, “Do you see that these nice things are taking these people away from me? The wealthy church (Carlos’ church here) thinks they’re helping, but the Joolonga people are becoming distracted by lights and a microphone. The worship was more genuine when they sang and danced in the dark.” I’m still processing those thoughts, but I am starting to think I have no idea what the “poor church” really needs—or at least that it takes a lot more forethought to anticipate & assess their needs than throwing light bulbs and a microphone at them. (Hey! I see my macro social work background crashing head on with missions)

For some added perspective, I am also learning during my time here that loud, bombastic worship and scream-praying can be as strictly “religious” as the Rosary and our impassionate prayers back at home. I am honestly starting to believe that the Dominicans believe that God is hard of hearing.  Sometimes it reminds me of the Old Testament story when Daniel goes up against the Baal prophets and those prophets all began jumping and screaming and cutting themselves to draw some response from their god, Baal. I catch myself praying under my breath, “Lord, thank you for hearing me even when I whisper.” I only stay this because when we come as a short-term mission group, we often leave after experiencing 1 night of worship thinking that the Dominican church is so much more passionate and on fire than we are. Though that is true about some people, many others I believe were simply raised in a culture where you scream when you pray and dance when you sing. So before you beat yourself up too much for quietly standing in place during worship at home, remember that God sees the heart and that jumping and clapping doesn’t necessarily mean you love God more.

<<There’s a lot going on in my head about what could be done here in the Dominican. Sometimes, it all feels a little too heavy for me and I need something to lighten the mood. I’ll be honest, less than 6 months ago I had 2 life goals: to pay off my school loans and to never, ever get super fat. So, you could say that my world is getting a little deeper>>

Last Sunday, instead of going along with everyone else to the church service, I got dropped off at the small church in Guayabal with nothing but my Bible and guitar, to preach and sing at Pastor Cruz’s church. I’ll admit I was kind of ticked when Pastor Carlos told me I would be preaching on Sunday, only to find out he meant for me to go completely alone without a translator. It seems I avoid being uncomfortable, when left to my own devices and this seemed like it was going to be very uncomfortable. I did it though! And it went really well—though it was short because I had to stick with a relatively small vocabulary since I was speaking. I spoke about Matthew 5:13 “You are the salt of the world.” I brought a visual aid from Teresa’s kitchen and everything J I spoke about how salt is used to 1) bring flavor and 2) to preserve things and how we as Christians are to be the delicious flavor of this world and to preserve people eternally. Afterwards I got a ride on Pastor Cruz’s motorcycle back to the main church, and we had a fun conversation on the way back. It’s becoming a real treat to me to see the faces of people as they realize (after 3 weeks of being here) that I actually can speak Spanish. SURPRISE! Maybe if they’d even tried talking to me before…

In some exciting news, Kristin has a couple from the US coming this afternoon for a week long “vision trip” to support Kristin and the ministry she is doing here. It should be fun to have some more English speakers around! Kristin and I spent all of yesterday morning getting ready for their arrival, walking around to find an internet café with a printer in Hato Mayor, changing over some more cash into pesos, and then grocery shopping at Iberia. I know the women on my team in particular wanted to hear about it, so here is a little visualization activity. Imagine the amount of shoppers at Wal-Mart any given Sunday afternoon…now, shrink the store to 1/7^th that size but keep all the people inside…and then add the clutter of a “bargain basement.” THAT’s Iberia! The only place in the world you can buy 8 apples for $.25 cents (total) and a box of Corn Flakes for $5!

Now, because Kristin has other people to be responsible for now, I am finally beginning to stretch my wings. I decided to go to the annual Cristiano Shalom camp Dec 26-31^st alone without her! The camp is really a time of worship, recreation, and socialization for the church as a body. Lots of youth and 20-somethings go. Kristin has spent the past 4 months here getting to know people, but (sadly) most people here still just see me as “Kristin’s friend.” As great as it is to have a friend here, it has put me in a bubble socially. It’s like people think I have a friend quota of 1 or something! So I know at times the camp is going to be really awkward, but I really want to get to know these people. If I’m seriously going to live here, I need to jump in. I also budgeted the money I have and found I have enough to provide a “scholarship” for a young adult who couldn’t afford to go to the camp on his/her own. It’s going to be a surprise and I’m letting Carlos decide who to give it to!

This was a pretty uneventful week. I did get exciting news from Carlos on Tuesday—Kristin and I are going to be the overseers of a group of 10-17 Dominican translators working with a short-term-mission organization called SCORE in the DR for about 9 days in January. We get paid a whole $10/day and will have room and board at their facility in a town called Juan Dolio. My ears always perk up when an opportunity comes my way that I didn’t look for myself (thanks GodJ). Other than that upcoming opportunity, I really feel like God is breaking me down to build me back up again in the future. He’s teaching me what matters, what I am not above doing, how it feels to be overlooked, but also what it means to be loved beyond all comprehension all at the same time. I’ve never felt like more of a “nobody” yet more of a “somebody” in my whole life. Right now I am no one here, but I am everything to God.

You’d think I’d have learned enough in the past 3 months about waiting to know better than to complain that He isn’t giving me my vision yet. Scratch that prayer request last week. Instead, my prayer (and prayer request is): “Lord, I have no idea what you’re doing, but please let my heart be willing for you to prepare it for whatever is next!” God knows my direction and He has the BEST COMMUNICATION SKILLS! It apparently isn’t in my best interest to know right now. God prepares us for change through HEART PREPARATION, not INFORMATION. Amen!

Guess what? It’s LAUNDRY DAY again! Love to you all.

week.{DOS}

Week 2 is done and gone! Say it isn't so!

                                                       

I’m going to apologize in advance for the layout of this update; I myself hate reading a play-by-play chronological update of anything. Yet, as much as I would like to make this letter a lot more interesting and artsy, I’m afraid that if I don’t tell you about my week in a day-to-day sequence, then I will forget something J And selfishly, I’m writing these updates as much for myself as for you all—so that I can keep a mock-journal that I would never take the time to write otherwise.

Last week’s update left you with my return from La Vega. It was a great trip despite the tragic number of mosquito bites I received. We also ate at Pica Pollo twice in two days. Blech.  It’s like the McDonald’s of the Dominican Republic, and it is a favorite of Carlos! But I digress…

Most of Friday, Kristina and I helped Chappy and Pastor Carlos set up for a pastor’s conference that they held in the church below Carlos’ house. Chappy is launching his program in a new prison in the DR (El Seybo), and he is rallying up pastors to support and carry out the work that needs to be done. This was the inhumane prison Carlos told us about that keeps 1400 men in a very small square of land! By the end of the conference the people had volunteered to do 2 prayer walks before ministry will start in January. On the 8^th and 15^th of January a large group of people have committed to traveling to El Seybo and doing a prayer walk 7x around the prison ground. It’s just like Joshua in Jericho! They will pray like that for the 2 weeks leading up to their first day of work inside the prison grounds. I am already wishing that I could be around in January to see the beginning of the physical ministry in this prison. Please be praying for the hearts of the men that God wants to touch in El Seybo.

Friday night and Saturday were a lot of fun since there was a triple wedding slated for the 11^th at Carlos’ church and my friend Kristin got to participate! Kristin was a bridesmaid—and since it was a triple wedding, there were about 8 couples of bridesmaids and groomsmen. They had to do 6 “practices,” which Kristin and I calculated to be 20+ hours practicing for a 35 minute ceremony. Spanish is my 2^nd language and I think I probably could have run a more efficient rehearsal, but it was fun to watch and get to know people. It seems to me that organizing young adults in the Dominican Republic would be very similar to herding cats. The day of the wedding (Saturday) was a beautiful day, the church wasn’t decorated in time so at 4:00 pm that day they decided to push the wedding back a few hours (haha, can you imagine doing that in the US?), and the ceremony was beautiful. Kristin got to go to a salon and get her hair done—it was so pretty and curled, but they used so much hairspray that her hair became a hard, immobile, plastic helmet that they had fastened to her scalp…much like a Mrs. Potato-Head. A really PRETTY Mrs. Potato-Head. We also got to go shoe (and Oreo) shopping with Wascar before the wedding…need I say more on that? Wascar (the big, manly truck driver) helped her pick out the prettiest gold sandals and everything—too funny....

Sundays are always eaten up by the church and the getting to- and from-. This Sunday in particular there was a funeral for one of the members of the congregation. He was the man in the wheelchair who always sat in the front at the services, and he died Saturday night. What was so neat was to see Carlos transport the entire Sunday morning congregation to the funeral and to hear them praising because now this man is WALKING on streets of gold with our Savior. He is in a wheelchair no longer! AMEN. Also, at Sunday night’s service, Kristin and I got to play guitar and sing for everyone and we chose Consuming Fire. It’s so fun to sing with a friend! And since I don’t know any of the songs here (and I’m not a big fan of Dominican shout-singing) I was beginning to forget how much I love music, and that I’m a singer. I think I’m going to start playing guitar instead of piano before prayer services Thursday nights.

Monday was a long-awaited lazy day. Believe it or not, we don’t really have a ton of free-time here, even though it feels as if I only have a set plan for 10% of each day (which usually means a run and a showerJ). That day Kristin got a username and password for a friend’s Netflix account so we got to watch a movie together: Alice in Wonderland (the new one)! As we curled up in her bottom bunk around her laptop screen, I found myself forgetting that I was in a foreign, 3^rd world country. Can freezing cold showers and movies like that exist in the same world? I also spent a lot of time Monday working on the Restoration videos that Kristin brought with her from the States. I think I mentioned them last week, but it is a series of videos/workbook all about restoring God’s people from their pasts so that they have a firm foundation for their identity and can heal past hurts that are hindering them in their Christian walks. It’s far too powerful for me to explain in this email, but I can say that God is truly healing my heart from some heavy scars of my past. And I have a notebook FILLED with Scripture written as tiny as my hands can legibly write. I am learning so much and I am thirsty for God’s word. Sometimes I laugh, and think, “Did God really have to take me to the DR to work though my hurts with some DVD’s from some guy in Oregon? To teach me to read the Bible?” But even if that’s the only reason I’m here (which I don’t think is the case), it’s worth it.

Tuesday Kristin and I traveled to Boca Chica to sit in on another meeting Chappy had at the prison in La Victoria. It was our first real “big girl” day, because we got to the station, Boca Chica, and back home again (which, I might add, meant getting dropped off by a bus in the middle of Hato Mayor with no idea where we were!) but we walked our way back to Carlos’ house. The Lord truly showed us the way. Chappy also had some prophetic words for me from Scripture as we said goodbye to him, but I will share that later in this email.

Yesterday was a good day—I called it my “Wife Practice Day.” I decided that I was going to do all of my and Kristin’s laundry from the past week. I’d like to walk you through the practice of laundry here in the DR, because I will never look at my mother’s front-load, high-efficiency, custom-set, laundry machine with disdain EVER again. First I sorted our clothes out into whites, towels, colored clothes and dressy colored clothes. Then I filled the washer with water from a hose, added laundry soap and put in my first load that was basically sloshed around for 15 minutes by a little agitator. Next, I took every article from the washer, wrung it out, rinsed it in the sink, wrung it out, dunked it in fabric softener, wrung it out, and put it in the dryer, which is a glorified centrifuge. After the laundry comes out of the centrifuge, I then took it outside where it needed to be hung on the line to dry. Yep, I did four loads of that. It took me 3 hours and I NEVER STOPPED MOVING. I also think I’m going to have the forearms of a body builder if I have to do this on a regular basis. My little hands are so weak that my fingers cramp from having to wring out so many clothes. I might add the fact that those clothes are STILL out on the line this morning…winter has truly arrived in the Dominican and so many days are cloudy and rainy. 

Finally, last night Pastor Carlos took us to a “church” in Jolonga. They had no electricity, no lights, no sound equipment, and we held the service outside under a tarp in lawn chairs. The moon was beautiful. We had nothing but our voices, a drum, that cheese-grater instrument, and a tambourine. These people danced for the Lord and it was such a treat for me! Carlos’ church doesn’t necessarily condone dancing, so I went and hid in the shadows and danced my little heart out to their drum beats. It was like a campout. It was one of the simplest and beautiful church services I have ever been to and we’re going back tonight!

All in all, guys, I am really asking for prayer. Kristin has been here for over 4 months now, and is starting to work on her Mission Statement for when she goes back home to raise more support for fulltime ministry. It’s hard for me to not start feeling panicked because I’m not sure what my purpose for being here is yet. As she is beginning to see her vision I am learning lessons in humility, love, and against jealousy and pride. I am so happy for her! And yet I want God to begin opening my eyes. I trust His timing and know He is perfect, but will you all please pray that my heart would be ready to accept the vision God has for me? I was explaining this situation to Chappy on Tuesday, when he told me to open the book of Luke 24 (specifically verse32). It speaks of the disciples walking on the road to Emmaus after Jesus’ crucifixion and how they didn’t recognize the resurrected Jesus for who He was until they invited Him in for supper that night. Then they said, “Were not our hearts burning within us as he talked with us on the road and explained the Scriptures to us?” That’s how I feel—my heart is burning within me all the time here, but God’s purpose for me has not yet been revealed. In the meantime I am learning the simple things. I am still waiting for the day when I wake up, put on a skirt, and don’t feel like I’m wearing a costume.

Love to you all! “May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.” 2 Cor 12:14

week.[UNO]

I can’t believe it has only been a week, in all honesty. This place is rocking my world. At its worst, I am tired of cold showers and the word “Americana” (or worse…”la otra”…the OTHER ONE! Gah) and the stares that come with it.

After I left the team at the airport, I hopped back on the bus and Pastor Carlos started laughing to my friend Kristin. He said, “Now is the part where Kayla says—oh my gosh what am I doing here?” I was in for quite the ride. I got to meet Kristin’s friends Chappy and Sandy right away. Chappy used to teach at Bethel Seminary and now does Christ-centered rehabilitation inside the DR’s biggest and baddest prisons. I learned about their mission and how they’ve planted 12 churches (inside the prison! It’s like a city of it’s own), began teaching inductive Bible study & hold classes with exams, begin to teach the men a trade, and eventually put them out on a “parole ranch” where they are given agricultural and character work to do in exchange for more freedom and a savings account that they can access when they are released. It is so cool! Plus they are from San Diego so they speak perfect English and look like me ;) It’s kind of a breath of fresh air.

I’ve also gotten to attend lots more church services and am getting better at understanding Spanish through that muffled microphone and the horrible echo. On Thursday, Carlos sent me to the church early with Wascar on his motorcycle so I could play the piano while people came into the church. A little out of my comfort zone (piano and “el motor”), but Carlos told me I would never be “ready” when I tried to convince him that I definitely wasn’t! It was good for me. He hasn’t asked me to do it again though so I’m not sure if he was trying to intimidate me that first week or if I was just really bad. I’m trying not to overthink it.

I have been meeting a ton of the youth and young adults at the church and it has made this experience so much fun! They are intelligent, kind, and so welcoming to me. One of the girls, Mairobi, took us on a tour of her high school and then Kristin and I went to her team’s volleyball practice. The schools are so noisy! It’s like a zoo. But Mairobi told us that she learns so much there…I can’t even imagine. They all wear uniforms, but that’s about as professional as it got. At the volleyball practice they all were wearing jean shorts and street shoes, and they play on cement with garbage everywhere. I biffed it tripping over a girl, and so I still have some gravel in my palm, knee, and elbow. All in all it was a good day. And you want to know one of the best things about my new friends? They all live with their parents too! Also, I’m pretty sure that if one of the guys here could get a hold of my dad’s email address, there is a guy here who would be asking his permission to propose to me…it’s actually really unsettling and I’m trying to transcend language barriers as I tell him I have absolutely no interest. Boys.

On Sunday, as some of you have already seen (and probably heard) the Lord healed me of my food allergies! A special thanks to whoever left that walnut/almond/blueberry trail mix. It was delicious. So are the chocolates, caramels, other trail mix, and Cliff Bars. Thanks to you all and the Lord! Carlos told me to be careful though, or he would have to bounce me like a basketball back to the United States I will be so round.

On Tuesday I had the opportunity to travel to Boca Chica (on the local bus—el guagua) at 7:00am to meet Chappy and head to La Victoria, the biggest and “baddest” prison in the Dominican Republic. When we got there I was a little scared at first as we were let in to the prison. I looked straight down at my feet, walked as fast as I could behind Chappy and our guide, and ignored the whistles and “Americana” comments. We made our way into the middle of the prison where there is a church, and I watched as 30+ imprisoned men sat like little boys and waited to see the grades they had received for their first Bible exam. Some got A’s and Bibles, others B’s, C’s, and a few didn’t pass. Chappy last-minute asked me to talk to the men. The Lord gave me Romans 4:1-8. I spoke the whole thing in Spanish…so I can officially say I preached to and praised God with men in a 3^rd world prison. To see them praise and cry out to God—I can’t imagine anyone more at the end of themselves. In prison here, you don’t get food and if your family doesn’t bring you any then you don’t eat. Some people even pay rent to stay in nicer cells; they make their own “laws.” There is truly a city inside the walls. We are going back next Tuesday and I am already looking forward to it. You can pray for the ministry there and for the safety of the workers, but truly if God is for us than what can mere man do to us?

Today I am coming home from a 4 hour trip to La Vega to visit and encourage a woman named Selenia, her family, and her church. She and her husband and children were called to start a church in La Vega so they left their community to follow Him. La Vega is a mostly Catholic and Haitian community, and so they are facing a lot of difficulties trying to convey relationship in an atmosphere of religion. They are also having trouble finding work here and were down to eating just plantains for awhile and only have basic running water and occasional electricity. I watched last night as the Lord arranged for them a new, nicer and more secure home closer to their church! God is so good. Also, Carlos gave Selenia and her family some of the blankets from our 2010 mission group, pillows, deodorant and soap, and a big can of bugspray (for some perspective, last night Kristin and I got close to 20 mosquito bites each at their house. They said that is very normal). So God is already spreading the generosity of our group!

Continue to pray for our time here, Kristin and I are getting along so well and I can’ t believe I only met this woman 2 weeks ago. We are staying up in a room in Carlos’ house, and I have the top bunk! We’re also going through Restoration series together—very similar to Celebrate Recovery—and I am learning a lot. Oh—another praise, when the team left I took the money God provided me to stay here and found that I had more than I thought I needed for my stay here…only to find out a few days ago that Pastor Carlos needs $14/day! I am positive that I will have just enough money for my stay here. Only God would have known I would need that.

On a personal note, I am most assuredly ruined for a “normal life” in the United States. Sometimes I have to ask God to settle my heart when I begin to panic over how I’m going to get back here after January 20^th. I’m still not sure about my ministry here but God is speaking all the time and I still have a lot of time left here. Please be praying that God will reveal His plan to me and that I would trust His ability to provide a way for me to make this my life!

I hope this wasn’t too long J I wanted to make sure you guys could all smell what I’m steppin’ in, in this land of 'faith and flies.'

"God physically healed me."

I write this post with a bit of caution...not because I don't want to share what God has done for me, but more because I want to write this in a way that gives all of the glory to my LORD. It's true, He healed me; but His purpose in doing so is not to make me happy [though it does!] but to glorify Himself.


For the past 3 months I have felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to push the envelope with my view of God and what He can do. I began growing tired of reading the stories in Scripture about God parting the seas and coming down in fire---and, at best, only experiencing little Holy Spirit "shivers" myself. In the last two months I have been setting aside time to fast and pray for a number of things. In the middle of my fast I felt led to pray for God to heal my food allergies and my mom suggested the same to me during the same time. Now, this was 2 months ago. [For those of you who don't know, I once came down with mononucleosis in high school and have had strong food allergies ever since to:  wheat, gluten, milk, eggs, rice, citrus fruits, most nuts, and soy to name a few. So, it's been a major thorn in my side for awhile]. Most days I would pray and ask God to heal me, thinking that He COULD but probably wouldn't. I didn't feel Him answering my prayers. I asked Him, "When will I know you've healed me, LORD?" I never truly heard an answer, but in conversation a few believers told me that in their experiences, God's healing generally came with a sensation of heat. Well, let's say I never got hot.


Then, this Sunday [Dec. 5th...a day I will now never forget] I woke up and participated in a congregational fast. The entire church joined together that morning and, unbeknownst to me [the sermons are all in Spanish...and I'm still getting the hang of things], early in the service began to pray for health and healing of the congregation as a whole. I began praying for a few individuals mentioned specifically, when I quickly began to feel intense heat in my stomach. The heat grew to dull warmth and spread through my arms and legs, but it stayed warmest around my middle. I couldn't believe what I was feeling! In my heart I was crying out, "This is it, isn't it God! You are healing me today?!" All I had was a picture in my mind of me going back to Carlos' house, taking a cookie out of the cupboard, proclaiming the work the LORD had done in me that morning, and to eat the cookie in front of the whole family! I gladly ate my first cookie in about 3 years when I got home.


I feel through this that God is also trying to teach me that there is nothing I can do to earn this gift, or have it taken away. I do, however, feel that it is much like the disciple who walked out on the water to follow Jesus, who began to sink in the water when he took his eyes off his Savior. Because of this, I know that for the rest of my life when I sit down to eat not only will I thank God and remember His miracle, but I must also eat in faith and not doubt this healing. And WOE IS ME if I fail to tell others around me about what He has done! So far I have enjoyed: peanuts, almonds, chocolate, cookies, rice, a hot dog bun, cheese, and eggs. I don't know if macaroni and cheese has ever been eaten for the glory of God, but it was yesterday!


God is good all the time. I am healed.

"I need to recap."

If you have stumbled across this post, I both apologize and thank you for not losing complete faith in my blogging ability. Sometimes life gets ahead of me and though beautiful things are happening in my life, I have [as of late] been too busy experiencing them to write them down. Truthfully I am kicking myself for not sharing things while they were unfolding because as I tell the story now all at once it will undoubtably lose some of its prophetic effect. I, however, maintain full confidence that the LORD will be glorified through sharing my story...however belated.

At the beginning of November I fully resigned from my job pursuit. After the 17th rejection [lastly from the grocery store] I decided to take God at what I felt like was His Word to me. I felt back in September that He was telling me to wait until my trip to the Dominican Republic [Nov23-Dec1] and that my life was going to be relatively uneventful until then. Still, I took "relatively uneventful" to include a job of sorts so I spent a lot of hte last 3 months in a futile job hung and hosted daily pity parties as they all rejected me. As the days leading up to my team's departure dwindled, I found myself in womewhat of a panic thinking, "What if I told all those people that God wanted me to wait for this trip...and then I go and nothing happens?" I tried my best to hide my unbelief and left the Sioux Falls airport in eager expectation.

When I arrived in the Dominican our team was greeted by Pastor Carlos and a woman from MN named Kristin Wolford who has been living in the DR since August. She and I became fast friends and after a few days I found myself wondering if I could stay behind with her until mid-January. With no agenda in mind [but plenty of fear and doubt] I began to walk through that door of opportunity, fully trusting that God would shut it if this were not His will for me. As I began asking permission from the leaders and figuring out logistics, I found myself at a crossroads. I felt no black and white answer from the LORD like I wanted. There wasn't an obvious "right" choice to stay or go. I had an equally strong argument for either decision. I got angry with God for not meeting me in the middle--frustrated that I had spent the past months surrendering my ambitions for a "maybe." Avery wise teammate of mine, my mother, spoke to me in my frustration and explained that though God hadn't given me "maybe's" in the past, perhaps He was doing so now.

Finally, on our 2nd to last night in the DR [after a few pep talks from Kristin and my mom] I stepped out in faith. My largest worries were financial, but I thought I had JUST enough money to get me through January 20th. God acted rapidly on my behalf--confirming my decision and showing me His lavish abundance. Within an hour of announcing my decision to stay behind, God had provided the money to pay for my plane ticket, my housing in Hato Mayor, and my first two months of school loans along with all the clothing and toiletries I would need for 2 months. Though the finances physically came out of the hands of my teammates, it was the LORD who provided for my every need.

And so it has been 3 glorious days since my team went home without me! I [for the first time in a while] am praising for my lack of work or obligations because that made it possible for me to stay! He did indeed have a plan...and He will continue to work it through to completion. I have notebook pages full of what God has already been speaking to me. This is truly the greatest adventure I have ever undertaken and my faith is growing in leaps and bounds. What a Mighty God we serve! I promise to report what I see Him doing here in the Dominican Republic...on a regular basis ;) Dios les bendiga a todos!

"I'm not who I used to be."

Sometimes you just can’t go back to life like you knew it…not when God is constantly moving you to somewhere different. This last weekend I got the chance to go back and choreograph/teach for a show choir my old high school teacher now directs—well, now she’s my friend J [some parts of growing up are fun]. I had a great time and unfortunately pulled muscles in my neck that I didn’t know existed. For someone with 2 inches of hair, I was workin’ it. apparently.

Mostly I loved my time spent in MN because I got to spend time with two people I love [and eat some incredible food]. The job was a much-appreciated job even though my body has been protesting since Sunday morning. Thing is, the show choir part was just details. My life used to revolve around competition shows, dances, front-row positions, competition drama, and all the trappings of pride that came with it. This weekend showed me that I am tragically past that. They sing? They dance? Cool. But it doesn’t matter in life. Those kids [and I] could have chosen to play basketball, kick soccer balls, or speak in debate. I hope they all have fun; and, that they are able to walk away each spring happy with what they accomplished but otherwise unaffected. I spent too much time as a stereotypical “Gleek”. Thank God I got over myself.

"I make stuff up to write about."

OH have I been waiting for some blog fodder like the happenings of the last few days. Please know that nothing of great interest has been going on in the past few weeks…but I have some things worth telling about, I suppose.

1.) I am a horrible mother! Let me explain. Yesterday morning I woke up, placed two sweet and unassuming dogs [my Mimu and my mom’s dog Ruby] in a portable kennel, and took them to get their baby-makers removed. I got to the vet’s office at 8:00 am and it looked nothing like any office I had ever seen. Between the dingy paint, small hand-written signs, obvious animal scratches on the doors, and the pajama-clad “secretary”, I was afraid that I had mistakenly made an appointment at the set of Saw 8 [or whatever sequel they’re on now]. The vet looked like a lumberjack. Still, I had to trust that he was a doctor despite his fashion sense, and I put my judgmental eyes away.

I picked them up that afternoon and it killed me to see their little shaved bellies and stitches. For a reason still unknown to me, their incision was covered in what appears to be silver spray paint. YES, my tiny innocent little girl was returned to me with sparkly nipples! A harlot. And though she still followed me around here at home all morning, I am sure I can see the wariness in her eyes. I have lost her trust and it’s breaking my heart.

2.) I had a job interview today! At Shopko. Which abruptly ended when I told them I am going on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic November 23^rd-Dec 1^st as they said, “That doesn’t work for us.” They expressed their disappointment and encouraged me to re-apply in 3 months. Yes, perhaps if I am still unemployed in 3 months, I can manage to drag myself out of my depression coma and bring myself to apply to Shopko [dream big!]…again.

3.) I had another job interview today! At Coborn’s grocery this time. First I had to complete a simple math test. I have not done mental multiplication, addition, and subtraction since middle school. I am wondering—what are the chances that all the registers and calculators in the store die at the same time?! Regardless, I got 100%. Woot. THEN I had to complete a screening survey of 171 true/false statements. The instructions read: PLEASE ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS HONESTLY, NOT AS YOU THINK WE WANT YOU TO ANSWER THEM. Well, over 100 statements of the survey revolved around stealing and reporting stealing at work. Things like, “I have stolen something (including childhood) at least once.” While those were kind of disturbing and an obvious trend, it were statements like, “I occasionally use cocaine with friends” that made me most uneasy. Other favorites were: “It is acceptable to hit a coworker if they hit me first”, “It is okay to steal from work if I know I won’t get caught”, “I am still reading each question thoroughly”, and “I think this survey is a waste of time.” At the end of the survey I had to honestly answer NO to “I definitely want to work here.”  I’m sure I will have to explain my answer but this left me seriously wondering if I was applying to work at a prison or a grocery store.

[also: it is now between I and one other person for the position at the gym. who knew there was so much competition in Mitchell to wash sweaty towels! here’s to hoping.]

"He is the vine and I am the branch."

1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8 This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” --John 15

In my time of respite, God has been teaching me so much. The revelations I have been given in the past 2 months revealed to me that any work I would have pursued at the end of August would have been for my glory, in my own power, and as valuable as FILTHY RAGS to God. Even work in ‘His Name.’ I would have had the best intentions, but He would not have been the center of my life. I and my efforts would have been.

I just read a devotion from My Utmost for His Highest and a line caught my eye, “…But if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted and grounded in Him, which may appear to be impractical, then you will remain true to Him whatever happens.” I AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SOAK IN THE GLORY OF GOD WITH SUCH LITTLE DISTRACTION. I am learning that God’s Holy Spirit {which is equal in power and capacity with God and Jesus—that was a newsflash to me—who thought the Spirit was more like God’s bell boy…oh LORD have I been confused} causes us to act and will according to His own purpose. HE roots out sin in me. HE calls me to obey. HE has given me the fullness of God that dwelt in CHRIST JESUS! I have all the fruits of the Spirit available to me if I would only have faith that the Holy Spirit will show itself in me.

There is nothing I can do or be for God. My whole life has been about doing and being: doing work, being good enough. Not realizing my identity and standing with God had drastically changed the MOMENT I accepted Christ. 

I could go on and on. I really had no idea about this stuff. I have spent my whole life {Christian and non-} trying to earn my salvation, condemning myself, manually generating "holiness", waiting to someday “arrive” a saint, and walking in my own power when I had the Spirit of GOD available and dwelling inside me.  Like, INSIDE ME. Inside you too, if you’ve accepted Christ as your Savior. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it…but I am singin’ praise while I do! I mean, I was a MISSIONARY for 3 months...for my own glory?! 

"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."   Isaiah 6:5

"Humble pie tastes like crap."

There is something profoundly humbling about house cleaning. As a “Happy Friday” present to my {now full-time working} mom, I cleaned the house yesterday. Vacuumed, dusted, swept, did dishes, mopped, scrubbed bathrooms, wiped mirrors, emptied garbages, and washed all the laundry. There is something so degrading about cleaning your family’s toilet. It made me angry, actually. I can’t wait until an opportunity arises when I can use the phrase, “I’m not gonna’ deal with your crap anymore!” on one of my siblings. I have so much respect for my mom and all stay-at-home mothers. I am so sorry that you all don’t get the acknowledgement you deserve for the thankless work you do.

It is also humbling to spend consecutive Friday and Saturday nights at home in my living room while my teenage siblings all go out on fun sleepovers and dates. Holy COW I need a friend in this town. I have a few prospects—but I find myself apprehensive when it actually comes down to building friendships. I’m such an introvert.

What else has been happening? I took my grandma to the chiropractor this week. She’s 76, 85 pounds, and when I leave her house after spending time with her I find myself trying to find excuses to use words like “davenport” and “Frigidaire” in casual conversation. I really love her. And she paid me in olive oil for painting her shutters… I realize that sounds really strange, but this olive oil is, like, straight from the hills of Italia. Bueniiiiiisimo!!!

On the job front, I filled in for an emergency shift at the coffee shop today and managed to pay off my cell bill for this month between my tips and hourly wage. Not bad. I’m picking up an application at a local gym and a gas station tomorrow. Here’s to hoping. I am beginning to make plans for the future. I’m debating saving up $7,000 so I can go to the Emmaus School of Biblical Studies in North Carolina next fall…or joining Reviving Nations as an English Teacher in a foreign country for a year starting in January or this spring. If you’re reading this please pray that God would just dramatically open or shut doors for me because I am a proven idiot when it comes to discernment. Thank ya. 

"I steal words from Oswald Chambers sometimes."

 Here are some of Oswald Chambers’ words from his {incredibly profound, a forenamed} daily devotional:

“Isn’t it humiliating to be told that we must come to Jesus! Think of the things about which we will not come to Jesus Christ. If you want to know how real you are, test yourself by these words— “Come to Me . . . ” In every dimension in which you are not real, you will argue or evade the issue altogether rather than come; you will go through sorrow rather than come; and you will do anything rather than come the last lap of the race of seemingly unspeakable foolishness and say, “Just as I am, I come.” As long as you have even the least bit of spiritual disrespect, it will always reveal itself in the fact that you are expecting God to tell you to do something very big, and yet all He is telling you to do is to “Come…”

What?! Sometimes things in my life speak so consistently and are intertwined so deeply that I just have to pretend like it’s not really happening. If I look at the last 2 months of my life in Mitchell, I have felt as though I was waiting for something BIG to happen when in reality I have been being required by my own boredom, exasperation, and powerlessness to move closer to my Lord and Savior Jesus. I love the words of the Bible that talk about how we are to “keep in step with the Spirit.” Thing is, I never realized before that the Spirit [NEVER STOPS MOVING].

Yesterday, I spent the morning in town and on my way home could not get one of my particular neighbors out of my head. Don’t get me wrong, she is my friend and I love her and we’ve shared intimate conversations, but there was no reason to be thinking about her at that particular time. When I got home, I walked over to her house—barefoot-- expecting nothing in particular. As I walked down my driveway I thought to myself, “But God, nothing’s wrong with me today. {many times in the past I have gone to her door when I am broken-hearted or need a pick-me-up}…Hmmm, I guess I’ll just say hi and go home.”

When I reached her front door I walked right in, but she was on the phone so I busied myself with her son for a few minutes. However, as she hung up the phone and gave me a hug, I watched pain and tears surface in her eyes as she asked me with a smile, “Well, what are YOU doing here? I’m having one of those days…”

God is that real. That near. That active. He is so intimate and close that He sent me to my sister in Christ because she needed someone. He SENT me there. 

"I am failing at life. But it's kinda fun."

guitar progress: I’m playing 8-10 of my favorite worship/secular songs and {as a singer} it’s so much fun to be able to accompany myself. I’m kind of giving up hope on any B chords or bar chords in general in the near future. I can’t BELIEVE I’m going to have to play in front of people—leading worship no less—in such a short time! God help me.

jobs fiascos to date: 3. After a stunning 1 week of employment at the coffeeshop, a botched attempt to try an internship at my church that I never asked God about beforehand {Doh!}, and a show choir position I couldn’t bring myself to apply for... I’m still unemployed. In volunteer news, I have primed, painted, and repainted almost all the shutters on my grandma’s house. She has a lot of shutters.Technically yesterday she tried to give me $20 as I left so I may begin using that in my employment status in future blog updates.

 other news: I am becoming more and more convinced that God speaks to us everyday in all of our surroundings. This workweek {another week of being at home with the dogs while everyone else in my family…heck, in my life…is gone at work or school} and I began to feel very guilty and spoiled. I see people all around me who’s life decisions are being made for them by their circumstances. They have to work to pay bills, take any job they can get, and make the most of it. I cannot for the life of me understand why I have the luxury of waiting for God. If my parents had half a brain they would kick their grown, 22-year old, unemployed daughter out of their basement. But by some strange grace, I don’t even think that thought has crossed their minds. Anyways, after Monday’s pity party {which none of you showed up to, by the way…} this is what God has been speaking into my life:

from Our Daily Bread (October 4^th): Keeping busy? People who are trying to be friendly sometimes ask, “Are you keeping busy?” The question seems harmless, but in my mind it carries a subtle message. Beneath the surface is a test of personal value. If I can’t rattle off a list of things I have to do, I feel as if I’m admitting that I’m not worth much. But does God determine our value by how busy we are? Does He calculate our worth by how much we accomplish? Does He reward us for living on the edge of exhaustion and not taking care of ourselves? One of the first verses I learned as a child was Matthew 11:28, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” It didn’t mean much to me at the time because I didn’t understand weariness. But now that I’m older, I feel the temptation to keep pace with the world so I won’t be left behind. But followers of Jesus don’t have to live like that. Not only has He released us from slavery to sin but also from the bondage of having to prove our worth. Accomplishing a lot for God may make us feel important, but what MAKES us important to God is what we allow Him to accomplish in us—conforming us into the image of His Son (Rom. 8:28-30). Our value is not measured by what we do for God but by what He has done in us.

excerpt from today’s When Wallflowers Dance bible study: Life can sometimes be like standing in line. You get all your stuff together. Pack a snack. Choose the appropriate path. Muster up your patience. Square your determination. And wait to be next. A great lesson comes to those who spend the good part of a lifetime waiting on different things. Sometimes you have all your papers and the necessary credentials, you are in exactly the right line at exactly the right time, but you still have to wait. An agonizing wait. An I-wonder-if-I’m-in-the-right-line wait. A much longer wait than you had expected. All the time, you may be in the right place, facing the right direction, but maybe it’s just not your turn yet.

OOOooohK God I hear ya.

"I've never been in love."

My dog’s name is Mimu and I love her. I love her because she is adorable, eternally small, and follows me absolutely everywhere. No matter how many times a day I leave the house—regardless of whether I’ve been gone 5 minutes or 5 hours—she greets me with the same wiggling tail and excited squeaks. She cuddles with me at night and “guards” me during the day. I LOVE her. [that said, I do not believe that there is a “doggie heaven” where our beloved pets go when they die…even though I will gladly take their love here on Earth as a little tiny piece of heaven here :]

This just got me thinking on love in general: I have never loved a man in my entire life. I thought I did, once, but I didn’t. I’ve never once trusted a man that I had any romantic relationship with. And I’ve never once—not for a moment—stopped trying to be the girl I thought the guy I was with wanted to be dating.

I was just hoping that maybe if I acknowledged that out loud, something would change. I’m 22 years old and never gotten past puppylove. 

"I've got to slow down to keep up."

I no longer work at the coffee shop. Shortest term of employment {ever}.

After a week of work—exactly 18 hours—and around $150.00 of a paycheck, I am done. My food allergies reared their ugly heads against the powdered dairy drinks I had to make regularly {and probably the bread loaves and egg salads I had to work with} and the headaches and skin rashes just weren’t worth it. It made me pretty sad because I really liked my coworkers and bosses! Liked them a lot. Felt like I had worked there for years, actually. That said, after I informed my supervisors I could no longer work, I had {what felt like} this revelation from God where He let me know that I had run ahead of His plans by taking that job.

I admit, I never prayed about applying there. But in my defense, how much more non-committal can 18 hours a week as a barista, get?! I just wanted to do something while I’m sitting here in Mitchell. It’s so boring. I’m going stir crazy.  It seems that God has grounded me to my parents’ basement in Mitchell. Gah.

Also, in recent job news, I have been asked to apply for the Assistant Show Choir Director position at Mitchell High School. Essentially, if I got the job, I would be in charge of directing the rehearsals and competition season of a new prep-choir at the school. Anyone who knows me knows this is RIGHT up my alley and something I never dreamed I would have the opportunity to do. So I completed my application… and have now stared dumbstruck at my computer screen for 2 days as I find myself unable to push the “Print” button on my resume. I feel like God is telling me not to apply for this job. I feel like He has something different in the future that will cause conflicts with this job, maybe? I also feel like I’m freakin’ crazy turning down a great job with nothing else on the horizon.

I think I’m gonna wait on the Lord. I am going to try my best to keep in step with the Spirit. I would hate to miss something He has for me. I’m going to wait on Him, so when this all works out {sometime soon?} He can get ALL THE GLORY.

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14

“We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.” Psalm 33:20

“Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.” Psalm 37:7

"I am sorry."

God I am so sorry that I have such little faith in you. Thank you for the past two days.


Thank you especially for unexpected opportunities, today's $40.00 tip share, and that [really] handsome customer that came into the coffee shop this afternoon.

"I am done justifying myself."

Have you ever felt like you had to justify yourself to someone? How about felt like you had to justify yourself to everyone? ENTER: my life.

This week I took on a very part-time job at a local coffee shop in Mitchell to make a little bit of money and meet new people {since, against all my hopes, friendly strangers aren’t coming to my parents’ basement and making friends with me....why not?}. As nice as all the people I am meeting are, unfortunately I find myself across the counter at work from a lot of people that I used to know. Old classmates, teachers, friends’ parents, family friends, etc. and the second we make eye contact I IMMEDIATELY begin thinking of how I'm going to explain why I’m currently working very part-time at a local coffee shop. I can see the wheels turning in their heads while they look at me, probably wondering, “What happened with Kayla? She was such a good student…always thought she was gonna go out and do something.” Or maybe I’m paranoid.

I find myself wanting to say things like:

“I’ve got a really good job offer in the works…I’m just waiting for things to become official.”

“Oh hey—yeah, I graduated from college, Summa Cum Laude, actually. I have a degree in Social Work and Spanish, I just feel like I’m supposed to be in Mitchell right now, you know, being close to family.”

“It’s not that I don’t have any ambition. I am just keeping my options open right now.”

“I’m waiting on God. He isn’t telling me what to do right now, so I thought this might be a good place to wait.”

That’s the truth and short of it. I feel like God wants me here. But everyday that goes by without any change—no new job offer, no new friendship, no news on an internship, no obvious progress—and I get a little more anxious. A little more doubtful. More bitter. Less faithful? It’s been almost 2 months since I resigned myself to staying in Mitchell. Is God telling me something, and I’m just missing it?

"I didn't really know God."

 I started a new women’s bible study last Tuesday called, When Wallflowers Dance by Angela Thomas {and, so far, I’d recommend it… }. Last night—as I sat and watched the video for week one with a room full of women that I have everything & NOTHING in common with all at the same time—I couldn’t help but envy the joy so apparent in the author/speaker. I am so tired of being bored. I’m sure others are tired of me being boring. I started wondering why I don’t walk around just exploding with joy if I really believe what I say I believe. I am a chosen child of God! At the moment of my salvation, God’s wrath towards me ended! As-if-I’d-never-sinned. He has conquered the grave! Those who seek Him will find life abundant! And not only have I read these Truths, but I have experienced them.

So how can I find any excuse to walk around not shouting that hope to the rest of the world?!

God is showing me that I showed up on the day of my salvation in heels. I guess you could say I accepted my salvation and made SURE I wasn’t going to hell, but in all actuality I never really felt like I had done anything that bad to begin with. Like, “Thanks Jesus, but I pretty much had it covered myself.” God I am SO SORRY!!! :-O That basic {and unacknowledged} assumption left me unforgiving, arrogant, prideful, judgmental, and untransformed for most of my Christian life. I was reading in the Old Testament where it says, “Restore to me the joy of my salvation,” and I realized that I had also robbed myself of that joy. What was there to be joyous about/thankful for if I had my sin taken care of?

Today, I ask the Lord to grant me a second chance at the joy of my salvation. I am so very tired of being bored and mediocre. 

"I settle for mudpie holidays."

This is one of my favorite quotes by C.S. Lewis. I wish I could write words like this. Today the words are speaking to my heart. Here’s to hoping they speak to yours:

"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Why did I text my loved ones rather than call? {this one is past tense. I got rid of texting.)

Why do I call rather than visit?

Why do I surf online when I could be fully present with the people around me?

Why do I resort to blogging before mentoring?

Why do I spend 20x the amount of time training physically than I do spiritually?

Why would I rather escape for 2 hours with a movie than read my Bible?

Why do I put on a new outfit/haircut/accessory before I put on the armor of God?

I am such an ignorant child…contently making my mud pies…

"I am not a morning person."

This morning I was woken up by my incredibly annoying—I mean, adorable—puppy. In all actuality, we share a single waterbed and she spends most of each night guaranteeing her spot at the exact center of the it because the bed is a tad too full of water and swells in the middle when we lay down. This morning, that meant that she decided to sit half on my pillow, a quarter on my hair, and a quarter on my forehead, and scratch herself uncontrollably. I woke up with flashes of what I can only assume is comparable to Shaken Baby Syndrome. To compound my foul mood, it’s a Saturday morning, and my plans today didn’t include seeing this end of 7:00 AM.

I am 22 and living back at home so 4 years ago I traded in my own bedroom for a college dorm and have never looked back. Currently, my “bedroom” is a bed in the wet bar/kitchenette of my parents’ basement. If I sit up tall enough in my bed, I can see my reflection in the mirrored backsplash of the countertop. My bed is close enough to that countertop that I could do triceps pushups with my hands on the counter and heels on my bed {if I was ambitious like that}.

The truth is, that mirrored backsplash has the potential to set my mood for the entire day. I have a bad habit of waking up in the morning and—before doing anything else— looking at my reflection in that mirror…bed head, swollen ‘sleep face,’ pillow wrinkles, and all. I might be a morning person in general, but my poor puffy eyelids are not. The effect that one glance can have on the rest of my day is wide reaching and usually negative. It changes how I feel, how I treat people around me, what I do with my day, and what I think I’m worth.  I allow myself to be led around by the nose all day by my feelings. Stupid, I know.

This morning was different. Before I sat up in bed, I asked God to protect my eyes and my heart. It definitely wasn’t an eloquent prayer, but He answered it. My bed head is no less tragic than usual right now but my day is not revolving around how it makes me feel. I can’t even explain how today is different because God is the difference {not me}. Glory to God in the Highest.

"I've led a double life."

I’m quickly learning the hard way that duplicity is life’s road sign for DEAD END AHEAD.

If you want to wind up in a dead end spiritually, physically, relationally, or emotionally speaking: make sure you have yourself so tied up in your different “personas” that you can’t take two steps forward without the paranoia of someone catching you off-guard. Have lots of groups of friends—your church friends, your drunk-night friends, your intellectual friends, the list goes on—and make sure that those groups never meet. Make sure to avoid at all costs, for example, your church friends catching you blending in far too convincingly with your atheist friends; make sure your intellectual friends never catch you planning your next wasted night via text message with the drunk-night friends; and for God’s sake don’t let your parents know that you are living with your boyfriend. And, of course, keep all these things secret for the sake of your friends’/family’s convenience and ultimate happiness, not because of your overwhelming compulsion to conceal your double {triple, or quadruple}-life. Yeah, give this plan a try and in 4 weeks you will undoubtedly be facing at least one dead end in life.

I’ve done all these things. I had a different outfit, hairstyle, hobby, and vocabulary for every group of friends I knew. I was really good at fitting in with all of them, and I liked losing myself in the people around me. Sure, I had to become really good at lying in order to pull off all my different roles—you know, to explain to my oldest friends who knew me the best that I really wasn’t spending too much time with that boy {that I probably shouldn’t have been dating anyway}. It didn’t matter because I could walk that bull$hit line so well that no one every truly caught me in my own mess.

Then one day, tired of my own games, I remembered God. More accurately, God’s Holy Spirit reminded me of His eternal witness of my life. The things hidden from everyone else in my life were in His plain sight. He said, “Kayla, I know.” It happened over a year ago and was so painful that I knew my games were done. First, God began teaching me my identity in Him. Then, He held up all of my different “masks” against His truth and together we sorted out the ones that didn’t honor Him. In all honesty, it meant ending some relationships with absolutely no explanation on my part. And I’m still working on untangling myself from the mess I created, a year later.

It is so peaceful to not have to juggle my life. Now, sometimes I see that people {who I could have impressed in the past} don’t find me interesting or impressive or worth their time. Yet some people do like who I am—who I am ALL the time—and those authentic relationships more than exceed any fabricated mess I could have made. That freedom is so sweet.

"I'm ready to share some happy."

I recently read a blog of an account of a young, collegiate woman’s experiences of a summer trip to India. Besides being awed by her literary prowess and insightful outlook, I took away a lesson from her writings. In particular, she wrote about the extreme, sacrificial kindness she experienced from locals, complete strangers, in the country, and how she decided to vow to dedicate the rest of her trip to fulfilling the happiness of others as she had been fulfilled. I don’t know where that woman is in her faith journey—but I know that God is ALL over that kind of mentality. It reminds me a lot of Jesus’ words, “To keep your life you must lose it.”

I took her advice, Jesus’ advice rather, this past couple of weeks. I spent all day today redecorating my little sister’s bedroom, organizing her drawers, and washing her bed set because I wanted to make her feel special. I also rearranged my parents’ basement and {if I do say so myself} it looks better than it has looked in years so that my mom doesn’t feel so overwhelmed when she steps into the abyss of our basement. All last week I picked up my mom from her workplace and we went and ate a 20 minute lunch with my grandma everyday so she didn’t have to spend ALL of her day alone in her reading chair. I give away hugs at a frequency that would astonish most of the people who know me. Don’t get me wrong—doing these things does make ME happy—but it wasn’t what I was doing that made me smile. It was the who behind it all. A lot of the time it wasn’t convenient or glamorous, but I have felt more joy and community with people than I have in…maybe ever? The world  is so much more beautiful when it stops revolving around me.

Oh yes, and I was also an involuntary blood donor to a VERY hungry spider this week, as well. I hope it is really, really, really happy because I donated 11 times from my neck to my bellybutton.